The fight within me.

After I wrote this tonight, quite a departure from my usual, I thought it might best be shared on homelessnation.org. I posted it there first, but I will share it with my readers here as well:

I don't think this will make sense to anyone but me, but I'll write it anyway. Sometimes all we have to play with are the words we seek to describe the contents of our own minds - these notions, spilling like rivers onto a screen or a page. What we offer, in the end, is a guided tour of our soul. In the middle of the rapids, we sometimes surprise ourselves; we suddenly realize, stop and declare, "Hey! I didn't know that!"

I have had a few revelations tonight. Too personal to write of and too many to name, but the bottom line is, "everything within me has to change." My concept of myself and the world around me, the solitude I won't allow anyone to penetrate and, above all, the idea that I am "stuck" in my ways. I have a clearly-defined image of what life will bring me, and it dawned on me tonight that it's a murky one. How can I manifest what I secretly don't believe in? So, starting now, I am going to imagine myself in primary colours, the superhero palette of red, yellow and blue, and enter the octagon of the Ultimate Fighter.

My battle is with myself, specifically, my own inability to picture myself as WHO I want to be in my life. Not where, not when, but who. There is some sort of fear of success going on inside me. Not fear of failure, but of actually doing well. When did I allow myself to become such a disbeliever? That's another question. I only know this: no one took it from me, I robbed it from myself. And only I have the power to give it back.