Disintegrating underwear ... and other phenomena.

A friend of mine phoned me today. She has a day off tomorrow, so I asked her what she was going to do with her luxurious free time. "Laundry," she replied, oozing with gleeful anticipation. Hmmm ... NOT what I would consider the best use of a day off. How restful? Um, how exciting? What do you say to that? "I have to admit," she confessed in whispered, conspiratorial tones, "I've been behind in my laundry since 2006." I promptly reminded her of the fact that when I met her in 1995, I recall her complaining about being behind in her laundry - way back then.

Do you realize what this means?" I declared, "It means there's a distinct possibility that you have gaunch in the bottom of your hamper that's been there for fifteen years! They must be petrified by now, or maybe they have completely disintegrated from stain-induced bacterial erosion." Let's hope so for her sake, at least that's one load taken care of. I can be grateful today that I don't have any underwear worries. I can be thankful for that. I have a clean pair. I just need to channel a little Gone With The Wind and sew myself some pants from the curtain fabric before meeting with my employment counsellor tomorrow. I sent him a copy of the two-page cover letter I sent out today (along with my three-page resume), to a potential employer. His sarcastic email reply was succinct, "I think we need to add some meat." Everyone is a comedian today! What's not so funny? Pretty much everything else, besides 15-year-old filthy undies that "eat" themselves.

One rotten apple spoils the whole blog.

Ok, readers, tell me what YOU think.

I received an angry email today disguised as a compliment. So now, sadly, I have removed my email address from my blog as a result. It's a pity, but some people ruin it for everybody. You can still post your comments though, so read on:

The email I received said, "Why in the world would you waste your time being a PR & Marketing Communications Specialist. Public relations and marketing -- selling stuff -- is such a waste of your natural abilities. If this offends you, it is not at all my intention - but if it does, so be it. It is meant as a high compliment, though. I simply get frustrated seeing good people with the gift of reaching out and touching and helping others waste their capacities in some useless bullshit job instead."

The email went on to list a few worthy Vancouver outreach and charitable organizations, which being from Vancouver ALSO, I am quite aware of (and might even have worked for). Wink. They added, "... and surely there are many other such organizations in the Vancouver area. Go there. Knock on their doors. Literally. That is your proper place - far more than is marketing for some superfluous product or other."

Wow. I have just been told my "proper place" and how to conduct my own job search, by someone who clearly doesn't understand the scope of PR and Marketing. It has been assumed that I am not approaching non-profit organizations. Who said I was a product marketer? Not I! Was I offended? Yes indeed. Here's what I wrote back in response:

"I appreciate your passion, but whoa! Causes, charities and benevolent, non-profit societies and organizations hire full-time PR & Marketing Specialists. Today's 24H Vancouver newspaper is running a full page ad for The Salvation Army, informing locals about their presence in Haiti since 1950, and asking people to give all they can to help. Know who wrote that? Their PR & Marketing Specialist. You made some MAJOR assumptions about my career and marketing focus, without even knowing the facts.

Besides approaching non-profit organizations, and thanks for your suggestions, I'm also writing a novel - which is my dream and true passion. I suppose that's not altruistic enough for you either. Sheesh. Here I am, trying to promote resources for low income families in my spare time, and that was your "highest compliment?" You should know that words can be very powerful. Use them cautiously and responsibly."

C'mon, this is who your anger is directed at: I'm unemployed right now. I'm broke to the point that I made this month's rent payment by the skin of my teeth (and now next month's rent is looking "iffy"). RA makes my hands hurt like they've been assaulted by battering rams. I can't walk for more than 20 minutes because my feet are permanently damaged from arthritis. I'm getting fat from the prednisone (steroids) and/or the hydroxyquine the doctor prescribed (believe me, it's not from calories, I'm eating like a mouse on food bank donations). My hair is falling out in handfuls from the methotrexate (the third one of my RA medications), which also gives me severe migraines (so bad, I had to be hospitalized) every Monday when I take my weekly dose. I'm blogging about being terrified given all of the above, plus trying to be of service to the community and provide listings of free food and resources for other broke locals, while urging people to donate to the food bank. I'm tweeting out my support of poverty charities, homelessness solutions and related causes every day. My blog subject matter is so soft and fuzzy, it's not even remotely conducive to heated debate and opposing opinions ...

... and some guy picks on me because I had my "career" listed on my profile as PR & Marketing Communications. And one last thing: the "career choices" stem from a limited drop down menu, so it's not even ACCURATE. For the love of GOD!

Opinions?

ADDENDUM: Tuesday night at 10:15 PM: I just received a really nice email from the person who wrote the original email to me, and perspective has been clarified. Ideas have been shared and all misunderstanding is now understanding. I'm going to keep the original post though, because my feelings were/are my feelings, and I don't discard them or discount myself when they shift.

The fight within me.

After I wrote this tonight, quite a departure from my usual, I thought it might best be shared on homelessnation.org. I posted it there first, but I will share it with my readers here as well:

I don't think this will make sense to anyone but me, but I'll write it anyway. Sometimes all we have to play with are the words we seek to describe the contents of our own minds - these notions, spilling like rivers onto a screen or a page. What we offer, in the end, is a guided tour of our soul. In the middle of the rapids, we sometimes surprise ourselves; we suddenly realize, stop and declare, "Hey! I didn't know that!"

I have had a few revelations tonight. Too personal to write of and too many to name, but the bottom line is, "everything within me has to change." My concept of myself and the world around me, the solitude I won't allow anyone to penetrate and, above all, the idea that I am "stuck" in my ways. I have a clearly-defined image of what life will bring me, and it dawned on me tonight that it's a murky one. How can I manifest what I secretly don't believe in? So, starting now, I am going to imagine myself in primary colours, the superhero palette of red, yellow and blue, and enter the octagon of the Ultimate Fighter.

My battle is with myself, specifically, my own inability to picture myself as WHO I want to be in my life. Not where, not when, but who. There is some sort of fear of success going on inside me. Not fear of failure, but of actually doing well. When did I allow myself to become such a disbeliever? That's another question. I only know this: no one took it from me, I robbed it from myself. And only I have the power to give it back.

Improvise, Adapt and Overcome ... I would have made a good Marine.

So a lady walks into an ABC Restaurant ... sounds like the opening of a joke, right?

Well, in a way, it is.

I was on my way to a scheduled meeting at a job placement agency, when I realized that I had forgotten my reading glasses at home. I truly can't see a thing without them, and I knew the agency was going to give me some online aptitude tests to complete, as my employment counsellor had told me last week. So what's a girl to do? I was on the bus. I couldn't turn back. The agency office is in a remote location, with no convenient mini mall or London Drugs nearby where I could pick up a cheap, extra pair. But ... there WAS an ABC restaurant close by. I figured the odds were good, so I walked in and asked, (note my lack of fibbing here), "Has anyone turned in a pair of reading glasses to your Lost & Found?" I assumed that since I have a tendency to forget my glasses is restaurants all the time, other people must be just as absent-minded.

Bingo!

"Yes indeed," the hostess replied, and promptly presented me with a pair which, miraculously, were almost the perfect prescription. I thanked her profusely. I arrived to my meeting on time with the "borrowed" glasses, and thanks to the specs, I completed all the online tests. An hour later, I returned the glasses to a baffled hostess. "They weren't mine after all," I said, "but thanks anyway. I hope no one came in to claim these in the past hour." No, she replied, "Only you."

It just goes to show you, no matter what you're up against, a little creative thinking and ingenuity can go a long way.

Toast-a-palooza at long last! The hoarding is over.

Four wonderful words: I bought bread tonight!

Yes indeedy, I shelled out the $1.49 plus tax at Safeway. You'd think I'd be scarfing down the entire loaf right now instead of blogging, but no, I'm savouring the knowledge that I can have toast for breakfast tomorrow. I have been dreaming about bread for a week now. Probably the blog title's fault. Funny what you crave when you can't afford food. I wonder what I'll dream about tonight?

I've never been a "hoarder." It's a particular behaviour that is completely new to me and, until now, was beyond my scope of understanding. I couldn't fathom why there was a TV show called "Hoarders," it seemed so ridiculous, so extreme. But now, I add extra water to make a can of soup last for two days. I still have two-thirds of the tin of pears that I received from the food bank on Friday. I've been portioning it out day by day. In short, I've been sitting on my last $30, and now that I know an EI cheque is imminent, I can let go a little. A toast to all of you! Cheers.

Quieting the critical inner voice of self-recrimination. Aw, shaddup.

The folks lining up at the food bank are not a bunch of alcoholics and addicts, as some assume they would be. There is no "ethnic majority" either. People from every walk of life and socioeconomic level are broke. Those who cling to a, "that could never happen to me," perspective are misguided. You'd be surprised how quickly and easily you can suddenly find yourself facing eviction, hunger and homelessness. We're all just one paycheque (or EI, disability or welfare cheque) away from the street. In one fell swoop, a sudden severe illness or emergency can wipe away your job, security and savings. It can happen in a blink. Plus, the recession doesn't discriminate. Those with 6-digit salaries and huge mortgages are in peril just as much as us "regular Joes." They might have a larger "cushion" to eke it out on, but they also have a lot more to lose. That's the upside of having very little. We're more mobile and pack up easily ;) Yay!

Many people like to point fingers and believe folks bring hardship upon themselves. It's the "you get what you deserve" mentality. Ironically, from what I have observed, that particular attitude seems to emanate predominantly from people who have never been in a hardship situation, so they feel "smarter," and "above it." The fact is, they're clueless. I understand that people need to believe in a just world, so it's a fear-based stance. Sure, there are (must be) situations where people bring on their own misery entirely, although I can't think of one at the moment, but life doesn't dole out misfortune like that. You have not been "selected" for crap to happen to. The universe is not picking on you. No one spotted you in a crowd and said, "That one! You deserve to suffer." Besides, I have learned a lot by being "up against a wall." Even if I was somehow selected for this, then thanks! Really, I'm grateful. It's been a soulful experience so far. Maybe it IS a just world, but in disguise. I have received so much through all of this, on every level of being (that sounds corny, but I hope you get what I'm saying).

Why this tirade from Jo today? Well, I recently told someone that cigarette smoking increases the risk of developing rheumatoid arthritis. Big mistake. Although I don't smoke anymore, I felt a kind of, "then you brought this on yourself" attitude emanating from the person I told this to. FYI, I was diagnosed with RA last June, and that was the starting point of all my recent financial woes. I couldn't work - doctor's orders. The meds are expensive and ate my savings away. RA was the catalyst. Anyway, sure, I didn't do myself any favours by smoking for 30 years, but here's what the doctor's know (or rather, don't know): "The cause of rheumatoid arthritis is unknown. Even though infectious agents such as viruses, bacteria, and fungi have long been suspected, none has been proven as the cause. The cause of rheumatoid arthritis is a very active area of worldwide research. It is believed that the tendency to develop rheumatoid arthritis may be genetically inherited. It is also suspected that certain infections or factors in the environment might trigger the activation of the immune system in susceptible individuals." See http://www.medicinenet.com/rheumatoid_arthritis/page2.htm

Here's my take, readers: Whatever your plight may be, know what is "yours" and discard the rest. Be honest and brave enough to own "your part" in it, however large or small it might be. Think hard about how you got here, just so you can learn from adversity and avoid this snake pit in the future - but don't take the world on your shoulders. You are not to blame if you're sick. Corporate layoffs are not your fault, and the high unemployment rate does make it tough to find work right now. As long as you are doing all you can and not using any of this as an excuse, you're doing fine. My point is: know where to draw the line. I remember my favourite quote from the movie, Forrest Gump, "I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

Poo happens that is beyond your control, and life is hard enough without you "beating yourself up," about where you're at. Blame gets you nowhere. And don't let anyone else verbally beat you up about it either. Keep your chins up and continue moving forward. Persevere. If anyone takes their boots to you when you're down and tries to make you feel like everything is all your fault, tell them to ... well, you know. And whatever your religion or beliefs, respectfully, I personally can't buy into the notion that God puts us in a pickle, as a "test," or "learning experience," or whatever, but I do believe that faith (of any kind) can help you through it. That's been my experience, but to each his own. It's Sunday, time for a rest. Let's all have a mental holiday today, shall we?

Making friends and connections along the bumpy way.

The line at the food bank was LONGER this week than last week. Still no bread today, so we'll have to postpone "Toastfest" at my place, but ... I'm thrilled with the eggs, macaroni & cheese, all-bran bars, apples, tuna, a jar of pears and a bottle of Perrier, among other items that I gratefully received from the Food Bank this afternoon. Well done you sweet volunteers and donors. You save lives with these groceries. Really, you do!

Shout out to James at Quest Food Exchange, a Vancouver grocery store for low income families offering food at discount prices and a shopping experience with dignity. See resources for link. He also volunteers at the food bank. What a great guy! Thanks for the handshake and chat, James. You're providing a much needed service to the good, hungry folks of this city. Spread the word. I'll tweet it out for ya.

Had a *luxurious* cup of coffee afterward with a new friend, "R." Hi "R!" It was the first coffee I've had in 3 weeks - liquid heaven, a "splurge." (spending $3.49 is decadent for me these days). Hmmm ... coffee, no wonder I'm still blogging at 1:31 AM. Note to self: easy on the fancy-schmancy coffees. Stick to the occasional cup of decaf or $2 latte in a pinch. Green tea is what I drink instead these days. All those terrific antioxidants. I gotta sleep now gang, I finally pooped myself out.