When the going gets tough, the tough grow their own food. Smart or foolish? You tell me.

I didn't get the job I was hoping for, although I was one of the three final candidates. That was a huge disappointment, I must admit. The second company that was interested in me is dragging their heels, the Board of Directors is "reviewing" my candidacy; it's been two weeks now and no word. I'm in limbo ... and limbo sucks!

So, today, I have to pick myself up and dust myself off once again, and carry on. But there's a weight on my shoulders, called "fear of financial insecurity." I just shelled out another +$200 for my monthly medications, and once again, I have no food money. Last month, I withheld part of my rent (gave my landlord a cheque for partial rent on the 1st, plus a post-dated cheque for mid-month) so I could afford food, but I checked the Landlord/Tenant act, and it says if a tenant is consistently late in paying their rent, or gives partial payments, the landlord can serve them with an eviction notice. That means I can't keep doing that, I've been pushing my luck and i know it. I have to pay rent in full for June and bite the bullet. If you've read what the food bank distributes, you'll see that it isn't nearly enough to live on, but I have no options. It comes down to a choice between buying food versus medications, and if I go off my RA meds, I will have a flare up and lose the use of my hands again. I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I tried to be proactive. What do you think of this?: I spent $50 on vegetable plant seeds, seedlings and potting soil to create a container garden on my balcony. I already have radicchio lettuce growing and 2 cherry tomato plants that are flowering, so fruit won't be far behind. I have cabbage and beets growing and planted cucumbers, broccoli and spinach (still no sprouts on the last two). I also planted rosemary, dill and basil, all of which I have used so far (beats the heck out of paying for fresh herbs at the supermarket). The herbs may seem a bit frivolous, but they make plain rice taste delicious, so why not? In about a month, I will be able to eat my own produce. I thought it was a wise investment, but now, I wish I had the $50. Was planting smart or stupid? Will it "pay off" in the end? Let me know what you think.

The fight within me.

After I wrote this tonight, quite a departure from my usual, I thought it might best be shared on homelessnation.org. I posted it there first, but I will share it with my readers here as well:

I don't think this will make sense to anyone but me, but I'll write it anyway. Sometimes all we have to play with are the words we seek to describe the contents of our own minds - these notions, spilling like rivers onto a screen or a page. What we offer, in the end, is a guided tour of our soul. In the middle of the rapids, we sometimes surprise ourselves; we suddenly realize, stop and declare, "Hey! I didn't know that!"

I have had a few revelations tonight. Too personal to write of and too many to name, but the bottom line is, "everything within me has to change." My concept of myself and the world around me, the solitude I won't allow anyone to penetrate and, above all, the idea that I am "stuck" in my ways. I have a clearly-defined image of what life will bring me, and it dawned on me tonight that it's a murky one. How can I manifest what I secretly don't believe in? So, starting now, I am going to imagine myself in primary colours, the superhero palette of red, yellow and blue, and enter the octagon of the Ultimate Fighter.

My battle is with myself, specifically, my own inability to picture myself as WHO I want to be in my life. Not where, not when, but who. There is some sort of fear of success going on inside me. Not fear of failure, but of actually doing well. When did I allow myself to become such a disbeliever? That's another question. I only know this: no one took it from me, I robbed it from myself. And only I have the power to give it back.

Toast-a-palooza at long last! The hoarding is over.

Four wonderful words: I bought bread tonight!

Yes indeedy, I shelled out the $1.49 plus tax at Safeway. You'd think I'd be scarfing down the entire loaf right now instead of blogging, but no, I'm savouring the knowledge that I can have toast for breakfast tomorrow. I have been dreaming about bread for a week now. Probably the blog title's fault. Funny what you crave when you can't afford food. I wonder what I'll dream about tonight?

I've never been a "hoarder." It's a particular behaviour that is completely new to me and, until now, was beyond my scope of understanding. I couldn't fathom why there was a TV show called "Hoarders," it seemed so ridiculous, so extreme. But now, I add extra water to make a can of soup last for two days. I still have two-thirds of the tin of pears that I received from the food bank on Friday. I've been portioning it out day by day. In short, I've been sitting on my last $30, and now that I know an EI cheque is imminent, I can let go a little. A toast to all of you! Cheers.