Toast-a-palooza at long last! The hoarding is over.

Four wonderful words: I bought bread tonight!

Yes indeedy, I shelled out the $1.49 plus tax at Safeway. You'd think I'd be scarfing down the entire loaf right now instead of blogging, but no, I'm savouring the knowledge that I can have toast for breakfast tomorrow. I have been dreaming about bread for a week now. Probably the blog title's fault. Funny what you crave when you can't afford food. I wonder what I'll dream about tonight?

I've never been a "hoarder." It's a particular behaviour that is completely new to me and, until now, was beyond my scope of understanding. I couldn't fathom why there was a TV show called "Hoarders," it seemed so ridiculous, so extreme. But now, I add extra water to make a can of soup last for two days. I still have two-thirds of the tin of pears that I received from the food bank on Friday. I've been portioning it out day by day. In short, I've been sitting on my last $30, and now that I know an EI cheque is imminent, I can let go a little. A toast to all of you! Cheers.

Quieting the critical inner voice of self-recrimination. Aw, shaddup.

The folks lining up at the food bank are not a bunch of alcoholics and addicts, as some assume they would be. There is no "ethnic majority" either. People from every walk of life and socioeconomic level are broke. Those who cling to a, "that could never happen to me," perspective are misguided. You'd be surprised how quickly and easily you can suddenly find yourself facing eviction, hunger and homelessness. We're all just one paycheque (or EI, disability or welfare cheque) away from the street. In one fell swoop, a sudden severe illness or emergency can wipe away your job, security and savings. It can happen in a blink. Plus, the recession doesn't discriminate. Those with 6-digit salaries and huge mortgages are in peril just as much as us "regular Joes." They might have a larger "cushion" to eke it out on, but they also have a lot more to lose. That's the upside of having very little. We're more mobile and pack up easily ;) Yay!

Many people like to point fingers and believe folks bring hardship upon themselves. It's the "you get what you deserve" mentality. Ironically, from what I have observed, that particular attitude seems to emanate predominantly from people who have never been in a hardship situation, so they feel "smarter," and "above it." The fact is, they're clueless. I understand that people need to believe in a just world, so it's a fear-based stance. Sure, there are (must be) situations where people bring on their own misery entirely, although I can't think of one at the moment, but life doesn't dole out misfortune like that. You have not been "selected" for crap to happen to. The universe is not picking on you. No one spotted you in a crowd and said, "That one! You deserve to suffer." Besides, I have learned a lot by being "up against a wall." Even if I was somehow selected for this, then thanks! Really, I'm grateful. It's been a soulful experience so far. Maybe it IS a just world, but in disguise. I have received so much through all of this, on every level of being (that sounds corny, but I hope you get what I'm saying).

Why this tirade from Jo today? Well, I recently told someone that cigarette smoking increases the risk of developing rheumatoid arthritis. Big mistake. Although I don't smoke anymore, I felt a kind of, "then you brought this on yourself" attitude emanating from the person I told this to. FYI, I was diagnosed with RA last June, and that was the starting point of all my recent financial woes. I couldn't work - doctor's orders. The meds are expensive and ate my savings away. RA was the catalyst. Anyway, sure, I didn't do myself any favours by smoking for 30 years, but here's what the doctor's know (or rather, don't know): "The cause of rheumatoid arthritis is unknown. Even though infectious agents such as viruses, bacteria, and fungi have long been suspected, none has been proven as the cause. The cause of rheumatoid arthritis is a very active area of worldwide research. It is believed that the tendency to develop rheumatoid arthritis may be genetically inherited. It is also suspected that certain infections or factors in the environment might trigger the activation of the immune system in susceptible individuals." See http://www.medicinenet.com/rheumatoid_arthritis/page2.htm

Here's my take, readers: Whatever your plight may be, know what is "yours" and discard the rest. Be honest and brave enough to own "your part" in it, however large or small it might be. Think hard about how you got here, just so you can learn from adversity and avoid this snake pit in the future - but don't take the world on your shoulders. You are not to blame if you're sick. Corporate layoffs are not your fault, and the high unemployment rate does make it tough to find work right now. As long as you are doing all you can and not using any of this as an excuse, you're doing fine. My point is: know where to draw the line. I remember my favourite quote from the movie, Forrest Gump, "I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

Poo happens that is beyond your control, and life is hard enough without you "beating yourself up," about where you're at. Blame gets you nowhere. And don't let anyone else verbally beat you up about it either. Keep your chins up and continue moving forward. Persevere. If anyone takes their boots to you when you're down and tries to make you feel like everything is all your fault, tell them to ... well, you know. And whatever your religion or beliefs, respectfully, I personally can't buy into the notion that God puts us in a pickle, as a "test," or "learning experience," or whatever, but I do believe that faith (of any kind) can help you through it. That's been my experience, but to each his own. It's Sunday, time for a rest. Let's all have a mental holiday today, shall we?

Making friends and connections along the bumpy way.

The line at the food bank was LONGER this week than last week. Still no bread today, so we'll have to postpone "Toastfest" at my place, but ... I'm thrilled with the eggs, macaroni & cheese, all-bran bars, apples, tuna, a jar of pears and a bottle of Perrier, among other items that I gratefully received from the Food Bank this afternoon. Well done you sweet volunteers and donors. You save lives with these groceries. Really, you do!

Shout out to James at Quest Food Exchange, a Vancouver grocery store for low income families offering food at discount prices and a shopping experience with dignity. See resources for link. He also volunteers at the food bank. What a great guy! Thanks for the handshake and chat, James. You're providing a much needed service to the good, hungry folks of this city. Spread the word. I'll tweet it out for ya.

Had a *luxurious* cup of coffee afterward with a new friend, "R." Hi "R!" It was the first coffee I've had in 3 weeks - liquid heaven, a "splurge." (spending $3.49 is decadent for me these days). Hmmm ... coffee, no wonder I'm still blogging at 1:31 AM. Note to self: easy on the fancy-schmancy coffees. Stick to the occasional cup of decaf or $2 latte in a pinch. Green tea is what I drink instead these days. All those terrific antioxidants. I gotta sleep now gang, I finally pooped myself out.

My ship - a tiny rowboat with one oar and a slow leak - has come in!

There is a God in heaven. I have been approved for regular EI benefits! Yippee kai-ay! I should see some money start coming in next week. And that wolf, who is 2 inches from my door, can just back the hell off. I was so relieved, I actually burst into tears. I felt that huge, gnawing, evil knot in my stomach shrink by 75%. All my dark imaginings of worst case scenarios faded to a pale, dove grey. A rather pretty colour, for grey. This means I can pay my rent, at least in part, and am not facing homelessness. So my brother can stick his snide remarks where the cat got the thermometer! (sorry, I couldn't resist).

I also started working with an employment counsellor yesterday, and he was so positive. He believes that combining my skills with voice-recognition software (they are going to train me on Dragon) will allow me to continue my career as a writer. I am over the moon. I floated home (um, on the bus). I fell asleep at 8 pm, I was so exhausted, and slept through the night for the first time this week, with Mouse cuddled up to me and snoring, in the cute way cats do, contentedly. I'm "home."

Now all I need is a decent job where my RA won't interfere, and my life will be back on track. I'm not quite out of the deep end of the ocean yet, but at least I'm clear of shark-infested waters. I'll just keep rowing along and bucket-bailing until I reach dry land. It's Friday today, and that means it's Food Bank day. Who knows, maybe they'll have bread for once. Wouldn't that be the kicker! Toast-a-palooza at Jo's house if they do. Everyone welcome. All you can eat until I run out. BYO salami, peanut butter, etc., whatever floats your boat.

Readers, if you have your health, then you have endless possibilities. Even if you have a disability, there are ways to work around it and do alright - Assisted Technologies have come a long way, even in the past year! The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so start squeaking, LOUD - ask questions, ask for help and you just might get solutions. It worked for me! If you have a roof over your head, take a slow, deep breath and R-E-L-A-X. If you have food in your fridge, count your blessings. If you have a job, you have more than a lot of people, so consider yourself fortunate. It's truly a wonderful thing to sleep peacefully tonight, knowing you're "OK." Everyone needs and deserves that. So please don't forget there are people out there in the rain, the cold, the dark, the streets, who are so afraid and hungry, they are unable to rest. If you could remember them the next time you buy groceries and, if you can afford to, donate even just a can of soup to your local food bank. It might be someone's only meal for days. Maybe even mine. Thanks.

Perspective and prayers for Haitians

My problems don't amount to a hill of beans compared to the devastation in Haiti. I have nothing to say about myself or my "stuff" right now, and even if I did, it is a time to respectfully hold my tongue. I don't have my head up my own caboose today.

The people of Haiti, and Haitian communities all over the world, are truly suffering and have lost loved ones and everything they own. The news images are heart-wrenching. My heart is heavy and my head is bowed for you. I send out prayers to the people of Haiti. God bless you all, and shame on Pat Robinson for saying such a hideous thing. He will have to answer for it someday.

With my heartfelt thanks, always, to friends and followers.

My future's so bright, I gotta wear night vision goggles.

I cooked up that heading on the bus today and laughed out loud like a crazy person. A few passengers shot me sideways glances. The smelly guy beside me got up and changed seats, which I was glad for. Crazy, it seems, has its advantages. All kidding aside, two mildly good things actually happened to me in the past 12 hours: First, I phoned EI (Employment Insurance, aka UIC, aka "the dole") to inquire if they have made a decision yet about my pending "regular" benefits claim (my medical EI claim ran out December 26th - Merry Hoho to me). I explained that I'm getting anxious since I now have a measly $3o left in my bank account.

GOOD THING #1:
Astounding! They (EI) are going to exercise their glorious power to "make a judgement call," and put a RUSH on their decision. Wow. A "rush." I will hear yes or no within the next 24 hours, instead of "by the 21st of January" as they originally stated. The guy I spoke to on the EI hotline, his name was Kevin by the way, (inside joke), actually listened to me and processed the unbridled fear in my voice. "You sound like you're stressing about your finances," said Kev, my new best friend. "Um, yeah, Kevin, I've had to go to the food bank because I can't afford groceries," I confessed, "I start an employment search program tomorrow and I'm almost out of money for bus fare." The moral of this story is: if you actually sound like a lunatic, EI can rush their decision. File that away for future reference, people! I guess a panic attack can have an upside. What a way to start the day. So I'm on pins and needles, as my mum used to say. No doubt I won't get a wink of sleep tonight. Even if I get approved, I won't have enough for rent, but hey, at least it's ... something. If EI says no, I'm absolutely hooped. I will get evicted and have 10 days to vacate. Where will I go? I have no idea. How I will get there is another mystery since I don't own a car. I will have no choice but to go on welfare and stay on a friend's couch. Any volunteer sofas? Or will I end up at the YMCA? My oh-so-beloved cat will have to go to a neighbour, OMG, I can't stand that thought. That is the worst in all of this, the possibility of being separated from my cat, even if it's only for a few months. And she's a "special needs" cat too, terrified of all people except me. Her name is Mouse because she's a "fraidy cat." She is completely bonded to me and won't fit in to someone else's home and care easily. In fact, it would be traumatic for her, and I would be utterly heart broken. We have our own patterns, daily routines and special language, my cat Mouse and I. All you true pet people know what I'm talking about. Plus, how on EARTH am I going to move myself and all my stuff with RA? I can't lift boxes and sofas and bookcases! And where will all my furniture go? Certainly not to the "Y." I'll have to phone every friend I have and grovel for help moving. Heads up peeps. Maybe I'll ask ol' Kevin to help me move. I'll bet he'd be good at it. Really though, I know I should arrest my own thought process, my head is spinning with dreaded "what ifs." I can't help it. Breathing shallow. Hands clammy ... Ok, so yadda, yadda, I'm scared pooless BUT ...

GOOD THING #2:
I FINALLY got all the necessary paperwork to the employment search program that I was referred to. It took me a 2-hour bus ride in the rain, and when I got there, the original forms finally showed up in the mail. Damn that Murphy guy and his pessimistic law. However, I have my first appointment with an employment counsellor tomorrow. Woo hoooo! Positive action! At least I moved an inch forward today. It won't pay the bills yet, but SOON, I hope, I'll be employed again and back on track. Get THIS: They pay for my bus transfers to and from their office. What a relief since, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to afford to go there and get help finding a job. How ironic is that. In case you are just tuning in to this blog, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) so I can't type for more than a few hours or do any job that requires me to stand, as my feet are "fubar." I need the job placement experts for people with disabilities. They understand my limitations and highlight my strengths. They can help me work at my optimum and within my capabilities. Ok, enough for one day. Wow, this was a boring post, eh? Chockablock full of fears. I'm tired and wired. Cross your fingers, eyes, toes, whatever you can cross, you world, you.

Everyone hates a whiner, right?

First of all, thanks to the people who are rooting for me. God love ya! AND ... drum roll ... I heard through the grapevine that someone read this blog and donated food to their local food bank. WELL DONE, YOU!!!! That makes it all worth it for me.

Today is a tough one: maybe it's the nicotine withdrawals and/or the prednisone, but my emotions are all in a twist. I had to go back to my doctor's office yesterday and ask her to to fill out the forms again that she already filled out on December 30th, as they have gone AWOL in the mail. The forms qualify me for a provincial employment search assistance program for people with disabilities. Yes, there's the horrible "D" word. I shudder every time I hear it. But, even though my doctor speaks a harsh truth, I like her. She's honest and straightforward. As she filled out the forms, she muttered the words aloud that she was writing: "Prognosis poor ... will continue to deteriorate ... " Yeesh. So this morning, I have to go hand-deliver the forms to the D-place. I feel like a kid whistling in the dark. Tra-la-la .....

One friend told me I paint a bleak picture, but three others say I have a great attitude. Well, which is it? Funny how people see things differently. I think the picture IS bleak, it doesn't require a coat of gloomy paint from me. Personally, I think it's amazing that I haven't chucked myself off a bridge yet. At least I'm trying to find the humour in it. Here's one: most mornings, my cat licks my closed eyelids to wake me up when she wants food. How cute is THAT?? Maybe I should figure out whose eyelids I need to lick.

But back to reality, everyone hates a whiner. Even me. And apparently, even my own brother. A few people have asked me where my family is in all this: Both my parents are deceased; my mum died of breast cancer in 2001 and my dad passed away just last year, making me a 40-something-year-old orphan. My one, extraordinarily successful sibling lives on another continent and clearly doesn't give a crap. I sent him a link to my blog last week so he could track my progress. He immediately assumed I was asking him for money and I haven't heard from him since. I'm sure he finds this blog quite distasteful.

Hey bro, if you read this: I never asked you for a cent and don't send me money if you don't want to! I don't care about that. But c'mon, at least have a heart.