NO BREAD TODAY

Finally back on my feet again, so here is my last entry in this little blog of mine ;)

2010-05-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

Well, my friends, GREAT NEWS! I just received a job offer and I start on Monday. I am deliriously happy :)

Karmic balance has been restored: As a person with a disability, I will be working as Communications Director for a charitable organization for people with disabilities. Now THAT is poetic justice at its finest.

When I started this blog six months ago, I was alone, afraid and in pain, both physical and emotional. Rheumatoid Arthritis had robbed me of the use of my hands, I was in constant pain, and my future looked dismal. My Rheumatologist said I may never be able to continue my career as a writer. So, I did two things: First, I started this anonymous blog because I had to reach out, I was hurting. And help came. People wrote to me, and offered their emotional support, for which I will be forever grateful. In turn, I tried to fill my blog with resources for people who were in the same boat, unemployed, broke and scared. I tried to pay it forward. I hope I helped someone out there. There were many, many times that I couldn't afford food on EI, my medications are very expensive. The Vancouver Food Bank helped me to survive. Thank you all!

Meanwhile, The Mary Pack Arthritis Centre in Vancouver took extra special care of me. My heartfelt thanks to the physiotherapists, especially Cindy who was a godsend, and my occupational therapist. They were there for me when I needed them and helped me to cope. The Centre also referred me to the Neil Squire Society for people with disabilities. Through them, I received training on Dragon Naturally Speaking voice recognition software, which allowed me to keep writing without my hands, and made a career future possible for me. How can I say thank you? The words are inadequate. Through them, I found the job that I start next week. They gave me my life back. Mike and Joe, God bless you!

The second thing I did was start writing a novel. It was pure rebellion, me thumbing my nose at this disease. I would write for 30-40 minutes, then had to stop and ice my hands, then I’d go right back to it. Every word I typed hurt, but I kept going. I am now a few months away from finished. When I told my doctor what I was doing, she couldn't believe it! But she applauded my courage and tenacity. Lesson lived: Never give up without a fight. The dedication in my novel begins with the sentence, “I wrote this novel because I was told I couldn't. Therefore, I would like to thank those few who believed I could.”

It took 5 months for the RA medications to start working, and the pain in my hands finally subsided. They still hurt a bit, but I have Dragon, and my splints, and I am able to endure. Through it all, my best friend, who lives in Calgary, was cheering me on, sending love and support by phone and email, and even sent me food when I had none. She was my angel and I love her immeasurably. May all your generosity come back you x 10!

I also have to mention that, in my pain and loneliness, I found an Owl Cam site on Ustream, Molly and McGee. There I met a group of wonderful, caring people who are as nutty about wildlife as I am. I made many friends and lasting friendships. They helped me through the worst of it. I love you all dearly and your friendship and laughter buoyed me up when I felt as though I was sinking. Thank you, thank you!!!!

To all of you readers, especially Kate, who has been following my blog since day one, God bless you all. You were a voice in the dark that helped me through. Please stay in touch with me at born2bwild_38@hotmail.com. If you ever need a friend, I am there for you.

I once said that I hoped this blog would be a story of triumph. I believe it has. My hope is that you all take heart and overcome your challenges with courage, faith and conviction. All things are possible.

And yes, at long last, I HAVE BREAD TODAY!!!!

My heartfelt gratitude for all your kindness and support. I wish you Love, Peace and Happiness. Adieu my friends.

When the going gets tough, the tough grow their own food. Smart or foolish? You tell me.

2010-05-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

I didn't get the job I was hoping for, although I was one of the three final candidates. That was a huge disappointment, I must admit. The second company that was interested in me is dragging their heels, the Board of Directors is "reviewing" my candidacy; it's been two weeks now and no word. I'm in limbo ... and limbo sucks!

So, today, I have to pick myself up and dust myself off once again, and carry on. But there's a weight on my shoulders, called "fear of financial insecurity." I just shelled out another +$200 for my monthly medications, and once again, I have no food money. Last month, I withheld part of my rent (gave my landlord a cheque for partial rent on the 1st, plus a post-dated cheque for mid-month) so I could afford food, but I checked the Landlord/Tenant act, and it says if a tenant is consistently late in paying their rent, or gives partial payments, the landlord can serve them with an eviction notice. That means I can't keep doing that, I've been pushing my luck and i know it. I have to pay rent in full for June and bite the bullet. If you've read what the food bank distributes, you'll see that it isn't nearly enough to live on, but I have no options. It comes down to a choice between buying food versus medications, and if I go off my RA meds, I will have a flare up and lose the use of my hands again. I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I tried to be proactive. What do you think of this?: I spent $50 on vegetable plant seeds, seedlings and potting soil to create a container garden on my balcony. I already have radicchio lettuce growing and 2 cherry tomato plants that are flowering, so fruit won't be far behind. I have cabbage and beets growing and planted cucumbers, broccoli and spinach (still no sprouts on the last two). I also planted rosemary, dill and basil, all of which I have used so far (beats the heck out of paying for fresh herbs at the supermarket). The herbs may seem a bit frivolous, but they make plain rice taste delicious, so why not? In about a month, I will be able to eat my own produce. I thought it was a wise investment, but now, I wish I had the $50. Was planting smart or stupid? Will it "pay off" in the end? Let me know what you think.

I think I just made a "rainbow connection."

2010-04-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

"The lovers, the dreamers, and me ... " Ok, I'll stop singing, for now.

Great news, world!! I have a second meeting lined up next week with a marvelous global organization - which just so happens to be my late mother's favorite "cause" - so there's freelance work possibilities, as well as a permanent high-falootin' Communications Specialist position that I am in the running for.

I made it through to the last round of interviews next week - only three of us left competing for the position. After two written exams for the role, I sure hope I land the full time gig. I've already put a lot into it, but whatever comes, it's a honour to work with the organization in ANY capacity. Of course, as a professional, I don't use words in the "real world" like high-falootin', that's what's so fun about a personal blog, and an anonymously written one at that. It's my verbal "sweatpants." God forbid I ever let my employers or colleagues know about it or read it ... but then, they wouldn't recognize me anyway, my style is so completely different in the professional sphere, and my novel is an even greater departure than that. I wear many hats, maybe berets, a few different chapeaus, whatever headgear writers wear.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt thanks to all my friends, readers and twitter followers - your kindness and support has helped - a LOT. My hands are now pain-free, I'm psyched to get back to my career in communications, and my novel is progressing quickly now, so if I can complete it by the end of the summer as planned, my life will be tickety-boo.

Ahhhh ... what a relief. After all I've gone through these past six months (and I have had to walk through fire, so-to-speak), battling RA and off work on medical leave, I am in a good place at last. So take heart, if you're going through a rough patch, remember, "This too shall pass." And if it doesn't, find a way to overcome and fly above the crap. Drop me a line, because it's all about helping each other to figure out how.

Now THAT'S what I call a food fight! Beating disease with nutrition.

2010-03-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

The "right" foods boost our immune system to help us fight disease. This is a widely-accepted truth. Then why, myself included, do we resist buying things that we know are good for us, and continue to purchase processed foods and eat the "wrong" stuff? Three core reasons: cost, availability and convenience. But really, at the end the end of the day, what have we gained, except probably some weight? And what did we lose? Maybe a few dollars more for healthier options, and maybe thirty minutes of time not spent peeling, chopping and dicing. Is it worth it to go that extra mile and spend a little more? The answer, it seems, is a resounding YES!

A woman I know with RA, who is in full remission, medication-free and symptom-free, recently said to me, "If everyone ate as if they has cancer, RA and diabetes, then no one would have cancer, RA and diabetes." That being said, there's a lot to be learned from nutritional science, whether you are healthy right now or not, and prevention is the best form of medicine.

Case in point: In 1995, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and thought she'd beaten it. But she didn't change her lifestyle after the fact. She didn't start eating better, she didn't try to get more exercise. In 2000, she was told that the cancer had metastasized to her brain, resulting in two inoperable tumours. She was given six months to a year to live. At the time, I read the book "Spontaneous Healing " written by Andrew Weil, M.D., and encouraged her to try some of his therapies, which focus heavily on nutrition. This Harvard graduate physician claims to have seen patients completely recover from cancer. I don't just mean full remission; I mean that they found NO TRACE of cancer in these patients after following his regimen, their tumours had completely vanished. A powerful claim, to be sure. Read his book for yourself. I found it quite convincing, but my mother poo-poo'd his theories. She passed away in May of 2001. I'm not saying she would have necessarily beaten cancer if she had made positive changes to her diet and lifestyle, but then again, who knows? I still wonder.

Here's my own recent experience: I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in June, 2009. RA is the result of a collapse in the immune system. Obviously, if my own immune system is attacking me, I have to figure out why and how to correct it. Yes, I was put on triple medication therapy, and of course it has a lot to do with my recovery, but it hasn't answered the question of how I got this ill in the first place. I did a lot of reading about this disease and discovered that food allergies, while not a proven cause, had long been suspected as a trigger. No one root cause has been identified as a precursor to the development of RA yet, but it seems most likely that a combination of factors come into play, including a genetic predisposition, fed by stress, possibly food allergies and other nutritional factors, and smoking has been said to increase propensity of the illness (as with all illnesses), etc. Somehow, my genetic code, combined with less-than-ideal lifestyle choices concocted a dangerous RA cocktail. The other key ingredient: I wasn't getting enough exercise, which has been proven to reduce RA symptoms. Although, I have to say in my own defense, I have permanent damage to my feet, which makes it more challenging. Some days, it's painful for me to walk, even for five minutes, and my preferred (and cost-free) workouts are running or walking. Some days, both are out of the question. Best solution? Stationary bicycle. Problem A: I don't have one. Problem B: If I can't afford food, do you think I can afford a gym membership? Hell no.

By the way, for my regular readers, I'm FINALLY off prednisone, so hopefully I can now lose the 10 lbs that the steroids added to my waistline. I read one theory that people gain weight on prednisone because it causes them to eat more, but that wasn't true in my case. Believe me, with hardly any food on hand, eating more was NOT my issue. I packed on the pounds while eating less, although the content of my diet, at times, may have been partly to blame. I maintain that even when I stuck to tuna and veggies, I gained weight anyway. C'mon, they are steroids after all. ANOTHER great reason to get more exercise!

So back to food choices: I read a ton of research on the role of nutrition in fighting RA. When I adopted an "RA-recommended diet," my symptoms eased. I eliminated wheat and dairy, incorporated all organic veggies and tried new foods, such as fennel and kale. Although I taxed my joints with all the food preparation. Chopping can be problematic for RA sufferers. But by far the biggest snag for me was: eating all-organic can be expensive. Since I couldn't work due to my RA (although I am much recovered and able to return to work now) I was on medical EI. Money was so tight, I often had to rely on the Vancouver Food Bank, as my regular readers know. Most, if not all, items with a long shelf life are, of course, processed foods. The Food Bank, bless their well-intentioned hearts, gave me egg noodles, eggs, mac & cheese, etc. Furthermore, what's cheap and on sale at supermarkets? Canned foods, cup-o-noodles type meals, pasta and sauces (BTW, tomatoes and peppers are on the RA no-no list). You get the picture. My symptoms flared. I then realized I was eating a diet which was almost exclusive to wheat products and processed foods. Yes, vegetables are inexpensive, so why didn't I eat more of that? Because it's not what I was given, for starters. Long story short, I had come full circle and was once again eating all the "wrong stuff."

I gave myself a stern talking to, and am now back eating veggies and tuna as much as possible. Salmon is on the RA must-have list, but far more expensive, so tuna is the next best thing. It's hard to stick to a healthy eating plan, and I think part of the problem is that I tried to make a complete 180 and change absolutely everything I ate. That's hard to stick to. It's the classic failure switch for all diets. Cravings kick in. For me, bread was a big one. I still think of toast as a comfort food, probably because the food bank never had any! Plus, I have a few die-hard weaknesses: white sugar and real milk in my tea, for one. Coffee with cream and sugar for two, I can't take it black. Cheese. Oh, how I love cheese. I've tried the soy varieties, and while the Swiss-flavored one is palatable, the rest are, well, gross.

Here's where I'm at now: The solution (for me) is to make one positive change in my eating habits per week. You know what they say about the journey of a thousand miles beginning with the first step. I'm going to make one small change per week, one little step in the right direction. They will add up quickly. And, I'm going to tweet, every Friday, what my weekly step is going to be. For example, starting tomorrow, I am going to switch permanently to honey as a sweetener for my tea and coffee. There's a terrific blog post at http://www.amazing-green-tea.com/honey-health-benefits.html, about the benefits of honey, considered one of the best "healthy" sugar options, and from what I've read, has far more to offer than stevia. I'm also going to walk as far as I can stand on the days my feet aren't so bad, and once I'm gainfully employed again (which might be soon, I had two interviews this week!), yes I will join a gym and get my butt on a stationary bike!

If you'd care to join me in my "Step in the right direction," every week, follow me on twitter and we can do this together. I would love some company on this road to healthier eating and some warriors joining me in the fight. As always, I welcome any comments.

Welcome to a hands-free world. Saving the hands of the next generation.

2010-03-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

This is a milestone. Right at this moment, I am writing my first hands-free blog post using Dragon Naturally Speaking voice recognition software.

As someone who has been writing for 42 years, I have to say it's a brave new world when you can type without lifting a finger. It's going to take some getting used to; I have always felt as though my hands were inextricably involved in the creative process of writing, so I'm going to have to adjust to a whole new psychology of writing. The main difference is, when I am physically typing, I never really know exactly how a sentence is going to end until I get there. And usually, by the time I get halfway through, I have already made a hundred decisions about which words to choose. I type (poorly), about 65 words per minute. With voice, I can type 95 words per minute, so I have to make those decisions a lot faster. Plus, with voice activated software, you kind of need to know where you're going at the outset. I still feel as though something important is lost in translation, but maybe it will start to feel more natural to me as I force myself to depend on it more and more. I need to, to save my hands and joints affected with Rheumatoid Arthritis from getting any worse.

I have lived through the transition from typewriters to computers, so I suppose this is just the next evolution of progress. I imagine that in the future, keyboards will cease to exist. Keyboards are a royal pain in the butt, and even the most modern keyboards still follow the same format as the original typewriter key layout invented in 1867. The position of the letters, designed to avoid long keys hitting each other, is far from ergonomic. Even modern, so-called "ergonomic" keyboards can't get away from that old letter positioning from the 1800s. Think about it: typists hit the letter "a" with their pinky finger, not the strongest digit on the human hand. And we all hit it often.

With all the games and texting kids do these days, there are already 20-year-olds with RSIs (repetitive strain injuries) that have lost the use of their hands. They're showing up at the centre for people with disabilities, where I go every week for Dragon training. It's heartbreaking. Cel phones, PSIs, iPhones, games, etc. etc., just think of how many minute muscle movements it takes for these kids to use all of their fav technologies. Eventually, everything will be voice activated, and it'll save a whole generation from waking up one day, like I did, and not being able to use their hands at all. Besides, it's nice when something listens to you and does what you say for a change, isn't it?

Crossing things off my bucket list and having a blast!

2010-03-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

Well folks, things are looking up. I'm in the running for two, yes 2, job opportunities with very impressive non-profit organizations. Wish me luck!

Plus, I'm still reeling from all the Team Canada gold medal Olympic action. It's been cathartic and a GREAT time to live in Vancouver! I can't WAIT for the paralympics to start on March 12 so I can resume cheering.

Also this week, I will receive Dragon voice-activated software (for my job search) from the nice people who supply assisted technology to the disabled. Dragon will be loaded onto a loaner computer, complete with a new monitor, printer and special ball-tracking mouse that won't tax my hands. I'm excited and very grateful. I suspend all criticicm of "the government" today, since its agencies are the ones helping me out. Besides, Harper came to town for the hockey game and the closing ceremonies of the Olympics, so he can't be that bad.

I have to say that last April, when my hands seized with RA, my entire future evaporated before my eyes. It looked as though my career as a writer had come to an abrupt end, that I would have to abandon my hobbies (playing guitar and painting canvasses) and the dream of writing a novel in my golden years was over. But now that the medications are working and I have about 80% use of my hands back, plus with new tools like Dragon, all things are once again possible. Life is grand.

Being the stubborn little creature I am, and rebelling agains my hands when they were at their worst, I painfully and painstakingly pecked out 30,000 words of a novel. I thought it might be my one last chance, so I went for it. Over the course of the next six months, (usually I work on the novel on Sundays with a large pot of coffee as an accoutrement), I will finish the book. Why not live the dream right now? Besides, who knows if my hands will work at all when I'm an old lady. I wonder now why I didn't start it sooner!! There's no time like the present, right? It's been a blast so far, kept me motivated, my mind in creative mode and my blood stirring. Soon I'll be able to cross it off on my bucket list. Won't that feel good!

So, readers, if you're waiting for "someday," why not make it today? That's my take on all this. And if everything happens for a reason, then this was the brick landing on my head (or in this case, my hands) telling me to get a move on. Ouch ... but ... yay brick!

What's on your bucket list? I'd love to know.

Rick Hansen is my inspiration. He's still in motion, and so am I.

2010-02-25T10:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since my last post. I have been busy job-hunting and training on Dragon voice recognition software so I can resume my writing career. Most days, I feel very positive. After all, I am STILL a skilled marketing communications and PR writer. Other days, like today, I experience an almost paralyzing fear. Unemployment takes its toll: financial stress, feeling "displaced," and unwanted, it can be overwhelming at times. I try not to give into my fears, but I have to be honest with you, readers, I feel physically exhausted from all the worrying.

I have been sitting at my desk for hours now, scanning a multitude of websites for job opportunities, and I came across something on the Rick Hansen Foundation site, in Rick's story, that made all the difference. It said, "Growing up in a rural environment with aunts, uncles and grandparents all close by, the close-knit family community played a pivotal role in the development of Rick’s character from a young age. That same close community rallied around him following his spinal cord injury providing strength and encouragement at a time when it made a critical difference to the path his life would take."

If you don't know Rick Hansen's story, I encourage you to read it at http://www.rickhansen.com. It gives me courage to overcome my RA, and puts my own minor physical challenges into perspective. As for support, you all know that both my parents are deceased, that I'm single, and that I have one brother in England who I rarely hear from, so I am sadly lacking in "support group" and "family." Hence, this blog. I heard it said on Oprah the other day, "Family refers to the people who love us when we need them." In that respect, I have one outstanding person: my best friend in Calgary who, just last week, mailed me a huge box of food and much-needed supplies, like toilet paper, deodorant and a new toothbrush. And, there are a few of you out there, anonymous though you may be, who have taken the time to write me with support and suggestions. I can't even begin to find the words with which to express my gratitude. A voice that says "I care" in the night can turn darkness into light. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. On days like today, you light my way in the dark. And to my best friend in Calgary, whose anonymity I respect as much as my own, I LOVE YOU!!!

As for me, I'm determined to keep moving forward and be the centre of my own "Woman in Motion" tour. How about that, Rick? Thanks for being my inspiration.

Man denied food for his 4-year-old daughter at Food Bank

2010-02-07T08:42:00.000-08:00

The line at the food bank on Friday was the longest I have seen yet, with an unprecedented 2-hour wait, outside. Despite the balmy temperatures in Vancouver, you get cold after a few hours. I felt badly for the many mothers with their children in tow. I also see many of the same people at the food bank as I do at the centre for people with disabilities, so what does that say about how our culture treats the helpless?

I passed the time chatting with the man behind me in the line. He recently moved to Vancouver from Montreal, and like myself, is facing his first financial crisis as a result of having a great deal of difficulty finding work in Vancouver. He is appalled at the high cost of rent in our not-so-fair city, recently proclaimed the most expensive city to live in, IN THE WORLD. He's shocked by the shortage of work, and remarked, "This is a new experience for me." I can relate completely. Unemployment rates aren't any higher in BC than the rest of Canada, so why does is just feel so much tougher here?

He was telling me about his 4-year-old daughter, who wasn't with him that day, thankfully, since the wait was so long. He had left her with a sitter while he went to the food bank. I would have done the same. Who would drag a tot along unless you had to, right? She's better off warm and waiting at home. WRONG.

Although his child was registered at the food bank, AND he presented all of her ID, he was denied the right to claim food for two people, instead he was only given the single person portion, the same as I receive. (See below). I can barely feed myself on food bank supplies, how is he going to manage to feed his daughter?

Readers, you know what a huge supporter I am of the food bank, I'm always praising them for what they do, but the scene that unfolded before my eyes was a heart breaker. According to the Greater Vancouver Food Bank Society website page on How to Access Food @ https://www.foodbank.bc.ca/main/?receivingFood, it says,

"There are no requirements to access one of the depots except that all recipients must bring a piece of ID for themselves and any immediate family members for whom they are picking up food."

It doesn't say your child must be physically present or that you have to bring your kids to qualify. The man looked scared. It was like the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness, but for real. I almost gave him my own food, but then my survival instinct kicked in, and I didn't. I regret that now. I should have given him mine, despite the fact that it's all I have to live on. Even though I'm now on EI, I have just enough to cover my rent and bills for my RA medications. Plus, I forgot to mention this in earlier posts, I have to take (doctor's orders) three kinds of specific vitamin supplements to counteract the side effects of the medications. They cost a bundle too.

Here's what I received for one week of food. Imagine trying to feed yourself and your child on this:

1 can of tuna
1 large package of egg noodles
6 eggs
2 cans of pop
5 apples
1 package of pre-washed, ready-to-eat spinach
1 box of couscous
6 large carrots
1 box of cinnamon oatmeal granola snacks
3 potatoes
1 can of fruit cocktail

That's all. That's it. Of course he got upset, maybe even used the f-word, I was out of earshot. But I did hear one of the nice lady volunteers say, "I don't have to put up with that kind of language." Sure. Uh-huh. But can you blame him? How can the food bank people deny his child food like that? I'd like to see that lady's reaction if she was in his shoes. She probably goes home afterward to her big house and her full fridge and pantry, feeling good about herself that she volunteers to help the needy.

What do you think? I'd love to hear some opinions on this topic.

Parents and cats ... annoying or a necessary evil?

2010-02-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

As much as my parents got on my nerves most of my life, I wish they were still alive. Apart from all the obvious sucky reasons, it would be nice to have someone I could hit up for some "mad money," for things like food, rent, soap, internet connectivity, toilet paper; a working telephone; you know ... crazy luxuries like that.

But you don't need to feel sorry for me, nosiree. You know who saves my life on a daily basis? My cat, "Mouse." She does something every day that makes me glad to be alive just to see it. Today, it was my coat hanging on the back of a chair that made a "tent" for her, the PERFECT cover for surprise cat attacks. Her pounces are adorable. Predictable, but cute as hell all the same. I indulged her feline version of peek-a-boo by pretending I didn't know she was hiding there, lying in wait for unsuspecting cat owners to pass by, just so she could have her fun. Yesterday, she was fascinated by the dangly bit on a zipper. Ping. Ping. PING! Try writing a novel and searching for job openings online with that racket going on.

She drools when I rub her cheeks and plays a good game of fetch, Mouse does. It started with pom-pom balls, but now, whatever she can pick up with her mouth, carry across my apartment and drop at my feet is considered fair game. Pens, coins, tampons (wrapped, of course), the stopper from the bath tub, tea light candles, lipstick, each one yanked a chuckle from me, despite my unemployment worries. And, she snores. The sweetest cat snores you've ever heard. Squeaks and whistles. Bless her fuzzy little heart, I wonder what she's dreaming of. She sleeps with her face nuzzled into me, it's so very sweet. I don't know how she can breathe that way, maybe that contributes to the snoring. But not all the sounds that come out of her are so docile and endearing. There's a raccoon that visits my balcony once in a while that terrifies her into a primordial howl that has woken me from a dead sleep. Never a dull moment.

Mouse is the quintessential "fraidy cat," hence her name. I opened my balcony door to let in some fresh air in today (as I do most days), and she STILL drops to a crouch whenever the curtains blow in the breeze. Mouse, it seems, is afraid of the wind, among myriad other things, including: seagulls, the blender, peculiarly large dust bunnies, cast-off socks, boxes and paper bags (unlike other cats, she avoids them as if they were full of rattlesnakes), any noise above a whisper, my white sunglasses, every closed door, and bubble wrap.

She does love a good toilet flush though, so she would have adored my dad.

Disintegrating underwear ... and other phenomena.

2010-01-28T21:27:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine phoned me today. She has a day off tomorrow, so I asked her what she was going to do with her luxurious free time. "Laundry," she replied, oozing with gleeful anticipation. Hmmm ... NOT what I would consider the best use of a day off. How restful? Um, how exciting? What do you say to that? "I have to admit," she confessed in whispered, conspiratorial tones, "I've been behind in my laundry since 2006." I promptly reminded her of the fact that when I met her in 1995, I recall her complaining about being behind in her laundry - way back then.

Do you realize what this means?" I declared, "It means there's a distinct possibility that you have gaunch in the bottom of your hamper that's been there for fifteen years! They must be petrified by now, or maybe they have completely disintegrated from stain-induced bacterial erosion." Let's hope so for her sake, at least that's one load taken care of. I can be grateful today that I don't have any underwear worries. I can be thankful for that. I have a clean pair. I just need to channel a little Gone With The Wind and sew myself some pants from the curtain fabric before meeting with my employment counsellor tomorrow. I sent him a copy of the two-page cover letter I sent out today (along with my three-page resume), to a potential employer. His sarcastic email reply was succinct, "I think we need to add some meat." Everyone is a comedian today! What's not so funny? Pretty much everything else, besides 15-year-old filthy undies that "eat" themselves.

One rotten apple spoils the whole blog.

2010-01-26T14:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, readers, tell me what YOU think.

I received an angry email today disguised as a compliment. So now, sadly, I have removed my email address from my blog as a result. It's a pity, but some people ruin it for everybody. You can still post your comments though, so read on:

The email I received said, "Why in the world would you waste your time being a PR & Marketing Communications Specialist. Public relations and marketing -- selling stuff -- is such a waste of your natural abilities. If this offends you, it is not at all my intention - but if it does, so be it. It is meant as a high compliment, though. I simply get frustrated seeing good people with the gift of reaching out and touching and helping others waste their capacities in some useless bullshit job instead."

The email went on to list a few worthy Vancouver outreach and charitable organizations, which being from Vancouver ALSO, I am quite aware of (and might even have worked for). Wink. They added, "... and surely there are many other such organizations in the Vancouver area. Go there. Knock on their doors. Literally. That is your proper place - far more than is marketing for some superfluous product or other."

Wow. I have just been told my "proper place" and how to conduct my own job search, by someone who clearly doesn't understand the scope of PR and Marketing. It has been assumed that I am not approaching non-profit organizations. Who said I was a product marketer? Not I! Was I offended? Yes indeed. Here's what I wrote back in response:

"I appreciate your passion, but whoa! Causes, charities and benevolent, non-profit societies and organizations hire full-time PR & Marketing Specialists. Today's 24H Vancouver newspaper is running a full page ad for The Salvation Army, informing locals about their presence in Haiti since 1950, and asking people to give all they can to help. Know who wrote that? Their PR & Marketing Specialist. You made some MAJOR assumptions about my career and marketing focus, without even knowing the facts.

Besides approaching non-profit organizations, and thanks for your suggestions, I'm also writing a novel - which is my dream and true passion. I suppose that's not altruistic enough for you either. Sheesh. Here I am, trying to promote resources for low income families in my spare time, and that was your "highest compliment?" You should know that words can be very powerful. Use them cautiously and responsibly."

C'mon, this is who your anger is directed at: I'm unemployed right now. I'm broke to the point that I made this month's rent payment by the skin of my teeth (and now next month's rent is looking "iffy"). RA makes my hands hurt like they've been assaulted by battering rams. I can't walk for more than 20 minutes because my feet are permanently damaged from arthritis. I'm getting fat from the prednisone (steroids) and/or the hydroxyquine the doctor prescribed (believe me, it's not from calories, I'm eating like a mouse on food bank donations). My hair is falling out in handfuls from the methotrexate (the third one of my RA medications), which also gives me severe migraines (so bad, I had to be hospitalized) every Monday when I take my weekly dose. I'm blogging about being terrified given all of the above, plus trying to be of service to the community and provide listings of free food and resources for other broke locals, while urging people to donate to the food bank. I'm tweeting out my support of poverty charities, homelessness solutions and related causes every day. My blog subject matter is so soft and fuzzy, it's not even remotely conducive to heated debate and opposing opinions ...

... and some guy picks on me because I had my "career" listed on my profile as PR & Marketing Communications. And one last thing: the "career choices" stem from a limited drop down menu, so it's not even ACCURATE. For the love of GOD!

Opinions?

ADDENDUM: Tuesday night at 10:15 PM: I just received a really nice email from the person who wrote the original email to me, and perspective has been clarified. Ideas have been shared and all misunderstanding is now understanding. I'm going to keep the original post though, because my feelings were/are my feelings, and I don't discard them or discount myself when they shift.

The fight within me.

2010-01-23T23:48:00.000-08:00

After I wrote this tonight, quite a departure from my usual, I thought it might best be shared on homelessnation.org. I posted it there first, but I will share it with my readers here as well:

I don't think this will make sense to anyone but me, but I'll write it anyway. Sometimes all we have to play with are the words we seek to describe the contents of our own minds - these notions, spilling like rivers onto a screen or a page. What we offer, in the end, is a guided tour of our soul. In the middle of the rapids, we sometimes surprise ourselves; we suddenly realize, stop and declare, "Hey! I didn't know that!"

I have had a few revelations tonight. Too personal to write of and too many to name, but the bottom line is, "everything within me has to change." My concept of myself and the world around me, the solitude I won't allow anyone to penetrate and, above all, the idea that I am "stuck" in my ways. I have a clearly-defined image of what life will bring me, and it dawned on me tonight that it's a murky one. How can I manifest what I secretly don't believe in? So, starting now, I am going to imagine myself in primary colours, the superhero palette of red, yellow and blue, and enter the octagon of the Ultimate Fighter.

My battle is with myself, specifically, my own inability to picture myself as WHO I want to be in my life. Not where, not when, but who. There is some sort of fear of success going on inside me. Not fear of failure, but of actually doing well. When did I allow myself to become such a disbeliever? That's another question. I only know this: no one took it from me, I robbed it from myself. And only I have the power to give it back.

Improvise, Adapt and Overcome ... I would have made a good Marine.

2010-01-21T19:40:00.000-08:00

So a lady walks into an ABC Restaurant ... sounds like the opening of a joke, right?

Well, in a way, it is.

I was on my way to a scheduled meeting at a job placement agency, when I realized that I had forgotten my reading glasses at home. I truly can't see a thing without them, and I knew the agency was going to give me some online aptitude tests to complete, as my employment counsellor had told me last week. So what's a girl to do? I was on the bus. I couldn't turn back. The agency office is in a remote location, with no convenient mini mall or London Drugs nearby where I could pick up a cheap, extra pair. But ... there WAS an ABC restaurant close by. I figured the odds were good, so I walked in and asked, (note my lack of fibbing here), "Has anyone turned in a pair of reading glasses to your Lost & Found?" I assumed that since I have a tendency to forget my glasses is restaurants all the time, other people must be just as absent-minded.

Bingo!

"Yes indeed," the hostess replied, and promptly presented me with a pair which, miraculously, were almost the perfect prescription. I thanked her profusely. I arrived to my meeting on time with the "borrowed" glasses, and thanks to the specs, I completed all the online tests. An hour later, I returned the glasses to a baffled hostess. "They weren't mine after all," I said, "but thanks anyway. I hope no one came in to claim these in the past hour." No, she replied, "Only you."

It just goes to show you, no matter what you're up against, a little creative thinking and ingenuity can go a long way.

Toast-a-palooza at long last! The hoarding is over.

2010-01-17T21:12:00.000-08:00

Four wonderful words: I bought bread tonight!

Yes indeedy, I shelled out the $1.49 plus tax at Safeway. You'd think I'd be scarfing down the entire loaf right now instead of blogging, but no, I'm savouring the knowledge that I can have toast for breakfast tomorrow. I have been dreaming about bread for a week now. Probably the blog title's fault. Funny what you crave when you can't afford food. I wonder what I'll dream about tonight?

I've never been a "hoarder." It's a particular behaviour that is completely new to me and, until now, was beyond my scope of understanding. I couldn't fathom why there was a TV show called "Hoarders," it seemed so ridiculous, so extreme. But now, I add extra water to make a can of soup last for two days. I still have two-thirds of the tin of pears that I received from the food bank on Friday. I've been portioning it out day by day. In short, I've been sitting on my last $30, and now that I know an EI cheque is imminent, I can let go a little. A toast to all of you! Cheers.

Quieting the critical inner voice of self-recrimination. Aw, shaddup.

2010-01-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

The folks lining up at the food bank are not a bunch of alcoholics and addicts, as some assume they would be. There is no "ethnic majority" either. People from every walk of life and socioeconomic level are broke. Those who cling to a, "that could never happen to me," perspective are misguided. You'd be surprised how quickly and easily you can suddenly find yourself facing eviction, hunger and homelessness. We're all just one paycheque (or EI, disability or welfare cheque) away from the street. In one fell swoop, a sudden severe illness or emergency can wipe away your job, security and savings. It can happen in a blink. Plus, the recession doesn't discriminate. Those with 6-digit salaries and huge mortgages are in peril just as much as us "regular Joes." They might have a larger "cushion" to eke it out on, but they also have a lot more to lose. That's the upside of having very little. We're more mobile and pack up easily ;) Yay!

Many people like to point fingers and believe folks bring hardship upon themselves. It's the "you get what you deserve" mentality. Ironically, from what I have observed, that particular attitude seems to emanate predominantly from people who have never been in a hardship situation, so they feel "smarter," and "above it." The fact is, they're clueless. I understand that people need to believe in a just world, so it's a fear-based stance. Sure, there are (must be) situations where people bring on their own misery entirely, although I can't think of one at the moment, but life doesn't dole out misfortune like that. You have not been "selected" for crap to happen to. The universe is not picking on you. No one spotted you in a crowd and said, "That one! You deserve to suffer." Besides, I have learned a lot by being "up against a wall." Even if I was somehow selected for this, then thanks! Really, I'm grateful. It's been a soulful experience so far. Maybe it IS a just world, but in disguise. I have received so much through all of this, on every level of being (that sounds corny, but I hope you get what I'm saying).

Why this tirade from Jo today? Well, I recently told someone that cigarette smoking increases the risk of developing rheumatoid arthritis. Big mistake. Although I don't smoke anymore, I felt a kind of, "then you brought this on yourself" attitude emanating from the person I told this to. FYI, I was diagnosed with RA last June, and that was the starting point of all my recent financial woes. I couldn't work - doctor's orders. The meds are expensive and ate my savings away. RA was the catalyst. Anyway, sure, I didn't do myself any favours by smoking for 30 years, but here's what the doctor's know (or rather, don't know): "The cause of rheumatoid arthritis is unknown. Even though infectious agents such as viruses, bacteria, and fungi have long been suspected, none has been proven as the cause. The cause of rheumatoid arthritis is a very active area of worldwide research. It is believed that the tendency to develop rheumatoid arthritis may be genetically inherited. It is also suspected that certain infections or factors in the environment might trigger the activation of the immune system in susceptible individuals." See http://www.medicinenet.com/rheumatoid_arthritis/page2.htm

Here's my take, readers: Whatever your plight may be, know what is "yours" and discard the rest. Be honest and brave enough to own "your part" in it, however large or small it might be. Think hard about how you got here, just so you can learn from adversity and avoid this snake pit in the future - but don't take the world on your shoulders. You are not to blame if you're sick. Corporate layoffs are not your fault, and the high unemployment rate does make it tough to find work right now. As long as you are doing all you can and not using any of this as an excuse, you're doing fine. My point is: know where to draw the line. I remember my favourite quote from the movie, Forrest Gump, "I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

Poo happens that is beyond your control, and life is hard enough without you "beating yourself up," about where you're at. Blame gets you nowhere. And don't let anyone else verbally beat you up about it either. Keep your chins up and continue moving forward. Persevere. If anyone takes their boots to you when you're down and tries to make you feel like everything is all your fault, tell them to ... well, you know. And whatever your religion or beliefs, respectfully, I personally can't buy into the notion that God puts us in a pickle, as a "test," or "learning experience," or whatever, but I do believe that faith (of any kind) can help you through it. That's been my experience, but to each his own. It's Sunday, time for a rest. Let's all have a mental holiday today, shall we?

Making friends and connections along the bumpy way.

2010-01-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

The line at the food bank was LONGER this week than last week. Still no bread today, so we'll have to postpone "Toastfest" at my place, but ... I'm thrilled with the eggs, macaroni & cheese, all-bran bars, apples, tuna, a jar of pears and a bottle of Perrier, among other items that I gratefully received from the Food Bank this afternoon. Well done you sweet volunteers and donors. You save lives with these groceries. Really, you do!

Shout out to James at Quest Food Exchange, a Vancouver grocery store for low income families offering food at discount prices and a shopping experience with dignity. See resources for link. He also volunteers at the food bank. What a great guy! Thanks for the handshake and chat, James. You're providing a much needed service to the good, hungry folks of this city. Spread the word. I'll tweet it out for ya.

Had a *luxurious* cup of coffee afterward with a new friend, "R." Hi "R!" It was the first coffee I've had in 3 weeks - liquid heaven, a "splurge." (spending $3.49 is decadent for me these days). Hmmm ... coffee, no wonder I'm still blogging at 1:31 AM. Note to self: easy on the fancy-schmancy coffees. Stick to the occasional cup of decaf or $2 latte in a pinch. Green tea is what I drink instead these days. All those terrific antioxidants. I gotta sleep now gang, I finally pooped myself out.

My ship - a tiny rowboat with one oar and a slow leak - has come in!

2010-01-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

There is a God in heaven. I have been approved for regular EI benefits! Yippee kai-ay! I should see some money start coming in next week. And that wolf, who is 2 inches from my door, can just back the hell off. I was so relieved, I actually burst into tears. I felt that huge, gnawing, evil knot in my stomach shrink by 75%. All my dark imaginings of worst case scenarios faded to a pale, dove grey. A rather pretty colour, for grey. This means I can pay my rent, at least in part, and am not facing homelessness. So my brother can stick his snide remarks where the cat got the thermometer! (sorry, I couldn't resist).

I also started working with an employment counsellor yesterday, and he was so positive. He believes that combining my skills with voice-recognition software (they are going to train me on Dragon) will allow me to continue my career as a writer. I am over the moon. I floated home (um, on the bus). I fell asleep at 8 pm, I was so exhausted, and slept through the night for the first time this week, with Mouse cuddled up to me and snoring, in the cute way cats do, contentedly. I'm "home."

Now all I need is a decent job where my RA won't interfere, and my life will be back on track. I'm not quite out of the deep end of the ocean yet, but at least I'm clear of shark-infested waters. I'll just keep rowing along and bucket-bailing until I reach dry land. It's Friday today, and that means it's Food Bank day. Who knows, maybe they'll have bread for once. Wouldn't that be the kicker! Toast-a-palooza at Jo's house if they do. Everyone welcome. All you can eat until I run out. BYO salami, peanut butter, etc., whatever floats your boat.

Readers, if you have your health, then you have endless possibilities. Even if you have a disability, there are ways to work around it and do alright - Assisted Technologies have come a long way, even in the past year! The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so start squeaking, LOUD - ask questions, ask for help and you just might get solutions. It worked for me! If you have a roof over your head, take a slow, deep breath and R-E-L-A-X. If you have food in your fridge, count your blessings. If you have a job, you have more than a lot of people, so consider yourself fortunate. It's truly a wonderful thing to sleep peacefully tonight, knowing you're "OK." Everyone needs and deserves that. So please don't forget there are people out there in the rain, the cold, the dark, the streets, who are so afraid and hungry, they are unable to rest. If you could remember them the next time you buy groceries and, if you can afford to, donate even just a can of soup to your local food bank. It might be someone's only meal for days. Maybe even mine. Thanks.

Perspective and prayers for Haitians

2010-01-14T17:54:00.000-08:00

My problems don't amount to a hill of beans compared to the devastation in Haiti. I have nothing to say about myself or my "stuff" right now, and even if I did, it is a time to respectfully hold my tongue. I don't have my head up my own caboose today.

The people of Haiti, and Haitian communities all over the world, are truly suffering and have lost loved ones and everything they own. The news images are heart-wrenching. My heart is heavy and my head is bowed for you. I send out prayers to the people of Haiti. God bless you all, and shame on Pat Robinson for saying such a hideous thing. He will have to answer for it someday.

With my heartfelt thanks, always, to friends and followers.

My future's so bright, I gotta wear night vision goggles.

2010-01-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

I cooked up that heading on the bus today and laughed out loud like a crazy person. A few passengers shot me sideways glances. The smelly guy beside me got up and changed seats, which I was glad for. Crazy, it seems, has its advantages. All kidding aside, two mildly good things actually happened to me in the past 12 hours: First, I phoned EI (Employment Insurance, aka UIC, aka "the dole") to inquire if they have made a decision yet about my pending "regular" benefits claim (my medical EI claim ran out December 26th - Merry Hoho to me). I explained that I'm getting anxious since I now have a measly $3o left in my bank account.

GOOD THING #1:
Astounding! They (EI) are going to exercise their glorious power to "make a judgement call," and put a RUSH on their decision. Wow. A "rush." I will hear yes or no within the next 24 hours, instead of "by the 21st of January" as they originally stated. The guy I spoke to on the EI hotline, his name was Kevin by the way, (inside joke), actually listened to me and processed the unbridled fear in my voice. "You sound like you're stressing about your finances," said Kev, my new best friend. "Um, yeah, Kevin, I've had to go to the food bank because I can't afford groceries," I confessed, "I start an employment search program tomorrow and I'm almost out of money for bus fare." The moral of this story is: if you actually sound like a lunatic, EI can rush their decision. File that away for future reference, people! I guess a panic attack can have an upside. What a way to start the day. So I'm on pins and needles, as my mum used to say. No doubt I won't get a wink of sleep tonight. Even if I get approved, I won't have enough for rent, but hey, at least it's ... something. If EI says no, I'm absolutely hooped. I will get evicted and have 10 days to vacate. Where will I go? I have no idea. How I will get there is another mystery since I don't own a car. I will have no choice but to go on welfare and stay on a friend's couch. Any volunteer sofas? Or will I end up at the YMCA? My oh-so-beloved cat will have to go to a neighbour, OMG, I can't stand that thought. That is the worst in all of this, the possibility of being separated from my cat, even if it's only for a few months. And she's a "special needs" cat too, terrified of all people except me. Her name is Mouse because she's a "fraidy cat." She is completely bonded to me and won't fit in to someone else's home and care easily. In fact, it would be traumatic for her, and I would be utterly heart broken. We have our own patterns, daily routines and special language, my cat Mouse and I. All you true pet people know what I'm talking about. Plus, how on EARTH am I going to move myself and all my stuff with RA? I can't lift boxes and sofas and bookcases! And where will all my furniture go? Certainly not to the "Y." I'll have to phone every friend I have and grovel for help moving. Heads up peeps. Maybe I'll ask ol' Kevin to help me move. I'll bet he'd be good at it. Really though, I know I should arrest my own thought process, my head is spinning with dreaded "what ifs." I can't help it. Breathing shallow. Hands clammy ... Ok, so yadda, yadda, I'm scared pooless BUT ...

GOOD THING #2:
I FINALLY got all the necessary paperwork to the employment search program that I was referred to. It took me a 2-hour bus ride in the rain, and when I got there, the original forms finally showed up in the mail. Damn that Murphy guy and his pessimistic law. However, I have my first appointment with an employment counsellor tomorrow. Woo hoooo! Positive action! At least I moved an inch forward today. It won't pay the bills yet, but SOON, I hope, I'll be employed again and back on track. Get THIS: They pay for my bus transfers to and from their office. What a relief since, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to afford to go there and get help finding a job. How ironic is that. In case you are just tuning in to this blog, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) so I can't type for more than a few hours or do any job that requires me to stand, as my feet are "fubar." I need the job placement experts for people with disabilities. They understand my limitations and highlight my strengths. They can help me work at my optimum and within my capabilities. Ok, enough for one day. Wow, this was a boring post, eh? Chockablock full of fears. I'm tired and wired. Cross your fingers, eyes, toes, whatever you can cross, you world, you.

Everyone hates a whiner, right?

2010-01-13T06:55:00.000-08:00

First of all, thanks to the people who are rooting for me. God love ya! AND ... drum roll ... I heard through the grapevine that someone read this blog and donated food to their local food bank. WELL DONE, YOU!!!! That makes it all worth it for me.

Today is a tough one: maybe it's the nicotine withdrawals and/or the prednisone, but my emotions are all in a twist. I had to go back to my doctor's office yesterday and ask her to to fill out the forms again that she already filled out on December 30th, as they have gone AWOL in the mail. The forms qualify me for a provincial employment search assistance program for people with disabilities. Yes, there's the horrible "D" word. I shudder every time I hear it. But, even though my doctor speaks a harsh truth, I like her. She's honest and straightforward. As she filled out the forms, she muttered the words aloud that she was writing: "Prognosis poor ... will continue to deteriorate ... " Yeesh. So this morning, I have to go hand-deliver the forms to the D-place. I feel like a kid whistling in the dark. Tra-la-la .....

One friend told me I paint a bleak picture, but three others say I have a great attitude. Well, which is it? Funny how people see things differently. I think the picture IS bleak, it doesn't require a coat of gloomy paint from me. Personally, I think it's amazing that I haven't chucked myself off a bridge yet. At least I'm trying to find the humour in it. Here's one: most mornings, my cat licks my closed eyelids to wake me up when she wants food. How cute is THAT?? Maybe I should figure out whose eyelids I need to lick.

But back to reality, everyone hates a whiner. Even me. And apparently, even my own brother. A few people have asked me where my family is in all this: Both my parents are deceased; my mum died of breast cancer in 2001 and my dad passed away just last year, making me a 40-something-year-old orphan. My one, extraordinarily successful sibling lives on another continent and clearly doesn't give a crap. I sent him a link to my blog last week so he could track my progress. He immediately assumed I was asking him for money and I haven't heard from him since. I'm sure he finds this blog quite distasteful.

Hey bro, if you read this: I never asked you for a cent and don't send me money if you don't want to! I don't care about that. But c'mon, at least have a heart.

MSN News today: "Save $500 for emergencies." Are you kidding? Let's do the math, shall we?

2010-01-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Hold me back, please, I'd like to slap someone across the face. An MSN reporter today suggests: it is wise to save $500 (or more) as an emergency fund, even if you're living paycheque to paycheque. Oh yeah, Mr. Journalist? Let's see you try it! Take a walk in my shoes whydontcha! The cost of living has continued to rise, while employers have been taking advantage of the number of jobless for the past two years, offering pittance salaries. It doesn't matter that I have a Bachelor's degree, most "sanitation engineers," these days have an MBA. Oh, why didn't I finish my post-grad degree, I could have been a Garbage Collector! Cue the dreamy music.

Even so ... the article goes on to say that $500 is often enough to avoid bounced cheque fees and payday lenders, and/or cover most minor emergencies. OK, where do you LIVE? I want to move there! I had a $3,000 cushion, but that was six months ago and it's long gone. I once heard (from yet another financial advisor) that the right amount to save is the equivalent of three months' living expenses. Guess what? That comes to about $3,000 in my case, and again, THAT WAS SIX MONTHS AGO. That's how long I've been unable to work because of my RA, and my last employer didn't offer any kind of long-term disability plan, so I was S.O.L. despite having more in my emergency savings than many of my peers. By the way, I inherited the $3K, so don't go thinking I'm some sort of money magician. There was NO WAY I could save that kind of cash, since I was living from one paycheque to the next. My old boss was El Cheapo. I confess, I did go a little bananas when I first got the inheritance fund. I bought myself a new $800 sofa, on sale. I'd been living with a springs-shot eyesore that a friend gave me ten years ago, which I intercepted as it was being tossed to the curb. At the time I bought the new sofa, I was gainfully employed. After all, I could afford it, I had FINALLY landed a job with a decent salary. Two months later my hands seized up, and voila. Unable to work. Stuck at home, in pain, slowly watching my remaining $2,200 emergency fund fade away. I'd sell the damn sofa right now if I could, but the cat clawed it minutes after I moved it in, so let's just say its value instantly depreciated SIGNIFICANTLY. I still love the cat. The sofa, not so much.

Add this up: I pay just under $800 rent per month for a tiny 500 sq.ft. studio apartment in Vancouver (no, it doesn't have a separate bedroom) that faces the parking lot and trash bins. The avocado green appliances are circa 1954 - and I'm not exaggerating, I actually asked the landlord. It's no luxury suite and the rent is considered cheap for Vancouver. Add in hydro, cable, internet and phone, I spend around $1,100 - $1,200 per month, give or take, just on basics. That doesn't include the monthly $300 I have to shell out for RA medication, or contingencies like the 2 emergency dental appointments I had to make in December just so that every time I sucked in air, I didn't turn blue in agony. I don't buy "frills." While I'll be the first one to admit I'm no whizz with money, (although how would I know? I've never had any), I'm not a complete idiot either.

On medical EI, I got about $1200 a month. That paid for rent, my phone, and my TV and internet cable connection. So every month, I had to dig into my savings for food money, and at about $100 a pop each week at the grocery store, money goes fast. Save some? Wanna tell me how? Even with a respectable income, the tax man takes it all - sing those lyrics ABBA! Haha. I have spent at least $1,500 on medications in the past six months. There goes my savings, and now I am almost out of meds. Bracing myself ...

If regular EI kicks in, I will just be able to make it. If not, Welfare pays about $800 per month. That's below the poverty line, isn't it? And they force you to find a place to live for under $450 or they withold your money. Do you realize what that buys you in Vancouver? A closet in a 2-bedroom house, shared with a family of twelve. Has anyone got a bedbug-infested hovel up for grabs?

Stay tuned. Now, back to job hunting.

Inspired

2010-01-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

I feel good today. I made the cucumber & onion salad with salt, pepper, olive oil and the last of the balsamic vingar, it was so good, like abrosia. I feel stronger. And a friend bought me some groceries! You know who you are. I love you for that. May your generosity come back to you a hundredfold. I also think blogging is helping me stay grounded. Boy, I sure picked a lousy time to quit smoking though, didn't I? haha. I quit last month but slipped back into it. Now I've quit again on New Years Day, so far so good. I'm still smoke free! Besides, I don't have the money for cigarettes anyway. I hope this all turns out to be a rags-to riches-story. Wouldn't that be something? I've been down and out before, a long time ago, and I came back fighting. There weren't blogs back then, what a shame. A friend of mine suggested I send a link to NO BREAD TODAY to my MLA so they can see what their constituents are going through. What do you think?

I had a comment about my blog today, someone said, "That is so sad." Yes, it is, but that's not my point. I plan to do everything in my power to surmount these difficulties. Wanna cheer me on? Please cheer. Cheer for all of those in my shoes and while you're at it, please give donations to your local food bank. You'd be surprised how long those lines are.

Jo goes to the Food Bank

2010-01-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

Here it is, a brand new year full of promise and possibilities, and I am in that horrible place so many of us are in or have been in before: in-between jobs and waiting for my first EI cheque to arrive. What is it now, a 2-month wait? Sheesh.

I'm a writer, so I need to share my feelings or bust. This might be my sanity journal during tough economic times, or a public record of my descent and decline into poverty, we shall see. My real name is Jo, but that's all I'm telling you of my true identity. You'll get the joke when you see the signature on my posts.

Being suddenly broke, I made some tough decisions this week. I called the phone company (the big T) and now have a simple phone line, no bundles, no features. I downgraded my cable to basic. OK, so far I'm not destitute. But I'm scared enough that I created a file on my desktop that I call "Panic Button." In it is the address of my local Welfare Office (Ministry of Housing and Social Services or whatever ...) and all the PovNet resources I could find, in the unfortunate event that I become homeless in the next 60 days. If I can't pay my February rent, this is a distinct and looming possibility - correction, almost a certainty.

I have to tell you about today's experience. I went to a food bank for the first time in my life. It has been an eye-opening experience and one that I would like to share. Despite some tongue-in-cheek commentary (this blog started out as an email to a friend), I want to be clear in stating that I am not complaining one bit. In fact, I am extraordinarily grateful. I love you, food bank people and donors, consider this your official electronic hug. We are blessed in Canada to have these resources and rest assured that when I am gainfully employed again, I will quadruple my donations and expand my Christmas food bank giving to "as often as possible."

THE FOOD BANK EXPERIENCE
After waiting in the rain for nearly an hour, I went in and registered (name, address, ID - there is a tracking system). You declare whether or not you are accepting food for yourself only, or for yourself plus "X" many kids. It's heartbreaking to imagine people trying to feed their family this way. You're then given a ticket, mine said "Single." Then you get in line and gratefully (truly) accept what they are able to give you. There are no aisles, no choosing. Just 6 people behind 6 fold-out tables, handing you a specified quantity (based on your ticket) of whatever food item they have on their tables. The first table is for children's food, so I bypassed it. Here is what the other 5 tables provided to me for one week:

2 small chicken-flavored tofu "breasts" (must weigh 4 ounces each, max)
1 can of tuna (that plus the tofu is only 3 servings of protein in total for 7 days)
1 litre carton of apple juice - which expired in October, 2009
6 small Activia yogurts, assorted flavors (Yay!) Not expired - good until Jan 14! Yesssss ...
1 box of stove top stuffing mix. WTF?
I box regular unflavored Quaker instant oatmeal (blah and bland, but I'll eat it)
5 mushy cucumbers (I'll eat the edible parts)
2 onions
4 small potatoes
3 apples
one small package chocolate-covered digestive cookies (Yay!)

Just imagine if that's all the food you had for a week. That's my reality today. Out of all this, I can have oatmeal for breakfast for a week and half an apple a day as a snack. I can make onion cucumber salad and mashed potatoes to have with 1/2 portion of tofu with a cookie for dessert. It's just enough for 4 days, 2 meals a day, if you can call those "meals." But you know what? It beats eating twigs and snow. Stretching it to 7 days? That will be challenging. I guess stove top stuffing will be my dinner for 2 consecutive nights. I felt oddly detached through the whole process, maybe in shock or disbelief that I'm actually "here." I'm just taking all this in as a new, bizarre experience. There was a sign that said, "NO bread today." I thought that might make an interesting title for a poem about surviving in jobless economic times. Instead, I created this blog.

Why? Because I am not alone in this pickle. Hmmm ... that's making me hungry. I know there are a lot of people like me out there and I have a new empathy for everyone who shares my predicament. My aim is not to create a forum for whining and complaining, rather, to support and encourage my peers who are going through recession hardships or, like myself, trying to cope with an ongoing medical issue (RA in my case.) I haven't been able to work for the past four months and have been on medical EI. Now my EI and savings have run out, so I'm hoping to qualify for regular EI benefits. I'll know by the end of January. No matter what may come, I think I'll be ok. I sure hope so. Even if I get evicted (please don't let me be tempting fate by saying that) and have to pack up and move to subsidized housing, there are worse things in life that could befall a person. As long as I don't have to give up my cat. She's my baby. I am going to do my damndest not to let that happen. I'm job hunting like mad. My career is Marketing Communications, so if you hear of any companies looking for a corporate writer, please let me know. As long as my internet connection holds out, I have half a chance of finding a job in the next few months. Any thoughts/feeling to share? I'd love to hear from people. Have you been "here?" How did you cope? What happened?

I'll keep you posted on how I fare through all this. Although I can tell you, I spent half the morning bawling my eyes out. I rarely indulge in self-pity, but I am truly overwhelmed.

Trying to keep the faith. Please God, "Give us this day our daily bread."